


Show Me You Need Me

by erentitanjaeger



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Zombie AU, Zombie Apocalypse, ereri, riren - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-10
Updated: 2014-02-10
Packaged: 2018-01-11 20:46:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1177736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erentitanjaeger/pseuds/erentitanjaeger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Call it what you will.  An infection.  A sickness.  The rapture.  The apocalypse.  The end of mankind.  The end of humanity.  It’s all the same in the end.  I’m a simple man, so I prefer to use a simple term; zombies.  There really is only one word for beings that die, only to rise once again.  Beings that can only be stopped and sated with fresh, human flesh or a bullet through the brain; whichever you manage to give them first.  Their humanity stripped away, a man eating, simple minded corpse left in its wake.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Show Me You Need Me

**Author's Note:**

> Zombie fic cause why not. This was supposed to go for several chapters but i literally couldn't be bothered so here is the only thing i managed to write. though i sort o flike it as a one shot

In this world, there is the strong and there is the weak.  There are those below us and those above us.  As much as we want to say that we are happy where we are, as much as we want to say we will strive to be a better person, and help those who can’t help themselves, it is in our nature, in human nature, to fight our way further up.  Whether it be in a position of royalty, where we’ll murder our own blood in order to achieve power over an entire nation, or a position within a company, where we’ll betray friends and comrades alike in order to take what we believe is ours, power has always been something human kind has strived for.

So, what sick bastard, what incomprehensibly unrighteous deity, looked down upon mankind and decided we were scum?  Which god, of any religion, decided to take matters into his or her own hands, and wiped what mankind had taken millions of years to build, all so we could start again?  Maybe it’s only science, another mark on the evolution timeline.  But if it is, when was it decided that we were to evolve into these beings, going after and destroying our own kind, wreaking havoc upon the earth and ripping away whatever chance the earth still had to be beautiful?

Call it what you will.  An infection.  A sickness.  The rapture.  The apocalypse.  The end of mankind.  The end of humanity.  It’s all the same in the end.  I’m a simple man, so I prefer to use a simple term; zombies.  There really is only one word for beings that die, only to rise once again.  Beings that can only be stopped and sated with fresh, human flesh or a bullet through the brain; whichever you manage to give them first.  Their humanity stripped away, a man eating, simple minded corpse left in its wake. 

So take into consideration the death of endless human beings, along with their insatiable hunger after they rise, plus the collapse of countless cities and crumble of endless societies, and add on whatever cruel jokes mother nature still deems funny.  The swarm, the illness, the zombies, they came at the worst possible time.  It was already growing cold in my city, colder than it normally is, and the usual rainy days were giving way to darker clouds that sent down frozen crystals of ice. 

We had been graced with the first snowfall once the first signs of those things started to become clear.  If somebody knows where it started, if somebody knows how it happened, why it spread, why something with only one thing in mind, no love, no life, no kind of values, seems to be virtually unstoppable, please, let me know.  Because I sure as hell don’t have any answers.

The clouds were gathering above me, the white sky disappearing in its midst, the tell-tale sign of another freezing night.  I adjusted the bolt-action rifle hanging over one shoulder, the measly amount of game I had managed to shoot shifting with my movements on my other, the heavy thud and thick weight of the rabbits bumping my shoulder blade.  I wasn’t sure whether it was my hunger and lack of nutrition that made them seem so much heavier than usual, or maybe it was because they were larger than the other rabbits I had managed to catch before.  Knowing my luck, it was sure to be the former.

Something moved in the distance; a small, white thing hopping along, only visible against the darkness of the trees.  I looked over to it, watched it twitch its nose and adjust its ears, listening for the threat that had taken its brothers away.  As I slowly moved, looking down the barrel of the rifle, using the sight to aim at the little thing’s heart, I wondered if I was doing it a favour, putting it out of its misery so it wouldn’t have to survive the winter alone, or if I was only causing more grief for the rest of the family I didn’t know it had.

Either way; it was food for me.

_Bang!_

The shot echoed across the field, throughout the trees that surrounded it, the sky filling with the sound of the gunshot.  I thought I even saw the clouds quiver at the sound.  The rabbit had dropped instantly; no further movement, no further protest.  I sighed, lowering the rifle, and waited.  I had hoped the open field, though harder to see game against, would make it easier to see anything unwanted coming towards me, emerging from its hiding place amongst the trees.

True, the winter meant the undead and infected alike moved slower, more cautiously, saving energy as both of our food sources dwindled, but they were still a threat, and could just as easily take my freshly caught game as they might take me.  Though if that were the case, it meant I would have time to escape before it sensed me, but it also meant I might have less food for the week.

That gunshot meant another bullet wasted, another resource that continued to shrink in the steadily worsening season.  I wasn’t happy about using it, especially on something so small.  But it was too dangerous to go further into the collection of trees, too dangerous to venture onto land I knew nothing about.  Deer wouldn’t dare come out into the open; they had the luxury of swift feet and heightened senses that kept them safe amongst the foliage of trees.

I decided that the rabbit was fair game, that nothing would emerge from the trees any time soon.  I hitched the rifle over my shoulder again and started across the snow drenched field towards where I had shot the mammal down.  My breath came out white in front of me, my nose starting to burn against the howling wind, the fake fur lining the edge of my hood brushing my face and tickling my cheek. 

The snow was died bright red upon approaching my kill, its body mangled, a giant hole blasted through its centre.  I yanked it off the ground by its foot, shaking off the blood and holding it out in front of me as I made my way back towards the large, black building situated on the horizon.  I made sure to check over my shoulder regularly, the snarls of the undead or even their usually uncoordinated footsteps would never be heard over the howling wind forcing its way through the fabric of my hood and into my ear.

I could see smoke rising from the hayloft of the barn, promising me warmth and a small amount of comfort as I drew closer and closer to its interior.  The rotting building had stood as a beacon of hope when I had first seen it, and has stood as such throughout my stay.  The actual farmhouse, of which it would have been of service too if this world hadn’t gone to shit, I had found under a pile of blackened snow, its charred remains telling me the story nobody was left to speak.  I didn’t think much of the family that might have been inside as its walls fell to its fiery hell, didn’t want to think of the lives that were lost and the sacrifice that was made.

The barn door creaked horribly as I entered its safety, slamming it shut behind me and looping the chain through the wrought iron handles, tugging them tight.  As I had no lock, the chains were there more as an alarm more than protection.  But it would do its job to slow them down if they ever managed to track me down.  Tthough in the growing snow and the ever ongoing storms, I don’t see how they ever could.

“You’re back.”

The voice was soft, sharp, definitive.  I threw back my hood, gazing at the green eyes and young face of my counterpart, noticing his troubled features as he huddled close to the fire we had made. 

That’s right; I’m not alone. 

“No shit.”  It was all I could say as I dumped the rifle and mangled bodies of our dinner by the door, dusting off whatever snow had managed to make its way onto my coat.

That’s right; I’m not happy about it.

“Did you get anything?” Eren’s voice was guarded, I could tell.  Of course I could tell.  I know everything about him. 

I know his birthday.  I know how long he likes to keep his hair.  I know how he likes his cereal.  I know what movies he likes.  I know all his guilty pleasures.  I know what video games he’s completed one hundred percent and which ones he says he has but he actually hasn’t.  I know he only eats fruit during the summer because he loves watermelon and peaches.  I know he’s secretly afraid of popcorn because he got a kernel stuck in the back of his throat when he was younger. 

I also know what parts of his body he likes me to touch first.  I know what kinds of things he likes me to whisper in his ear when things are hot and heavy between us.  I know what positions he likes and what positions he loves.  I know exactly what his moans sound like.  I know he loves when I growl his name.  I know he loves me.

So I sure as hell knew when he was scared of me; or rather, I knew when he was scared of how I had been acting towards him.

“Does it look like I got anything?” I was in a shitty mood.  I was cold and the fire was taken.  Three rabbits were barely enough to keep us alive for another day or two before I’d have to go out hunting again.  My fingers were freezing as I had no gloves.  My eyes and cheeks stung from the wind.  My nose was running and I had to keep snorting to keep it from dripping.  Disgusting.

“Yeah, it does,” was all he said.

I could feel him looking at me, his gaze expectant and his entire being yearning.  I didn’t turn toward him, preferring to stand near the door, near the rifle I had managed to scavenge from an abandoned car on the highway.  I heard him shift away from the fire, making room for me, in case I wished to dry my nose and thaw my eye lashes. 

I only scoffed, making a sharp noise with my tongue, before walking right past him and the comforting place he had made for me, grabbing the two rungs of the ladder and hauling myself up to the hayloft.

“You just went hunting.  I can take watch!” Eren called to me, his voice almost stern as I he said it.

“Shut up and go back to sleep,” I growled at him, huddling by the window, blowing warm air on to my hands, trying to get some feeling back into them.  I could hear the fire crackle and whip on the ground below me, could practically feel its heat wafting up to beckon me back down the ladder.  But I didn’t budge, stayed where I was, watching the horizon and the bleak whiteness in front of me for any signs of the undead.

The sky continued to darken, the signs of the oncoming snow storm becoming apparent.  The chill in the wind had shifted, the world had gone quiet, even as desolate as it was.  I couldn’t hear anything beyond the growing ferocity of the wind and the flickering crackle of the fire.  I had a moment to hope that the wind wouldn’t leak through the cracks in the barn’s wood, wouldn’t rain hell down upon our only source of warmth. 

Sleeping would be virtually impossible tonight.  Snow storms always seemed bad enough when you were in the safety and comfort of four solid walls, a couch under your body and a blanket wrapped around your shoulders.  When those walls were replaced with rotting planks of wood that didn’t even make a suitable barrier against any force of nature, when the couch was replaced with hay and dirt and the blanket was replaced with a thin coat that was too small on you anyway, you learnt just how severe those storms grew to be.

I still counted my luck.  We had enough firewood to keep the fire constantly going, a roof to keep the worse of the snow off our backs and a decent weapon.  Though the pile of ammo we had managed to retrieve had been small enough to begin with, and the many uses we had put it through didn’t help matters at all.  We were down to a few clips, enough for another hunting round and defence if need be.  After that, I had no idea how we were going to get food or keep our asses from being eaten while we screamed in agony.

There was a groan from the wooden platform I was sitting on.  I turned, watching as Eren clambered up to join me.  I glared as he crawled closer.

“What are you doing up here?” I snapped.  “Your job is to keep the fire going!  Heaven help us if it blows out or dies because you didn’t put enough firewood on it!”

Eren’s face wasn’t hurt, just stiff and annoyed as he continued to come closer to me, crawling through the hay so he was sitting across from me, looking out the window as I had been before.  Now that he was here, I couldn’t look at anything but the snowflakes now caught in his eyelashes.

“I just put a fresh load of wood on.  It’ll be fine for a while,” he explained, justifying how he could have left his post.  I glared at him again; the look wasn’t lost on him.  He stared at me, hard, not giving into the glowering anger even I could feel radiating from my irises.

“It had better still be flickering away when I go back down there,” I muttered, trying to turn away from his disappointed expression, and failing miserably, my eyes now fused to his saddened and ever expressive eyes.

“ _If_ you ever go back down there.”

His green pools were livid with frustration and annoyance, his lips set into a line and his cheeks reddening, the blood trying to keep his face warm from the wind that continued to blow against us.

“Fuck off.”

It surprised me when he didn’t.  He remained where he was, his bangs whipping against his jaw, having grown too long in the past few weeks.  I needed to get a pair of scissors and trim them, so they were sitting back above his eyes, curling away from the centre of his forehead, so his eyes were visible no matter how strongly the wind blew.  But haircuts were low on my list of priorities.

“Why don’t you just tell me?”

I let out a snort.  I hated it when he was vague.  He could be talking about any number of things.  Why didn’t I just tell him why I refused to let him take watch?  Why didn’t I just tell him why we wouldn’t be having breakfast tomorrow?  Why didn’t I just tell him how to point the gun?  Or how to skin a rabbit?  Or why we were stuck together in this fucking barn anyway?

“Tell you what?”

“You know what.”

“Cut the crap!”

“Just tell me you don’t want me here!”

I tried to turn away from him again, but my eyes were constantly drawn to his features.  Usually so carefree, Eren had grown hard and defensive over the past weeks, jumping at even the tiniest of sounds, scowling at even the most simplest of views, on edge all the time, convinced the world had turned against him.  In a way, I guess it had.

“You’re so arrogant.  Why would you possibly think that?” I crossed my arms, my back straight, my expression stern and my eyes hard.

“You don’t look at me the same anymore.  You barely speak to me.  You push me away even when I’m standing across the room.  You don’t let me touch anything you’ve touched.  You give me the bigger helpings at meals because you feel guilty you’re treating me this way-“

“I give you the bigger helpings because, technically, you’re still growing and need more sustenance than me!”

“You haven’t once kissed me in the entire time we’ve been on the run from those things!”

I bristled at the mention of ‘kisses’. 

“Terribly sorry if sexual stimulation isn’t high on my list of things to get done during the day.  You know?  Above getting food and keeping us safe.”

The look he gave me told me he wanted to do nothing more than throw me off the hayloft.  I did him the favour of relieving him of my presence, standing up and lowing myself down the ladder again.  Eren called to me, angrily tossing hay at my.  I called him immature before I loosened the chains wrapped around the handles and ducked out the door, throwing my hood up over my head and trudging back towards my usual position under the tall willow tree that stood apart from the barn.

I leant against the trunk, breathing in the crisp winter air, looking up at the sky and wondering when the storm would end.  If it was like last time, I’d be stuck in there for three days before it slowed down enough for me to escape from the wooden fortress and find something suitably edible.  I calculated that one rabbit a day would be barely enough, considering I wouldn’t need to move or run at the very least.  Water wasn’t a problem.  Gather some snow, boil it over the fire and drink as much as you could take.

Water helped keep hunger at bay for longer as well.

Just like that, the first of the storm started to fall.  Little white spots, almost as large as my thumbnail, started to litter the constantly blowing wind.  I watched them gather and dance in the air, watched them fall to the ground, starting to make the already deep snow even more of a pain to walk through.  I watched it land on the barn roof, watched it gather along the gutters and the dints in the wood.

I breathed heavily, my breath coming out in a thick cloud.  I closed my eyes, wanting a few more moments of peace before finding reprieve from the growing.  I was surprised, when I closed my eyes, images of fires and wooden walls enclosed my memories.  Not the open fire we had going now, or the wooden walls of that horrible barn, no.  A fire locked in thick, brick walls of a fire place, wooden walls that were intentionally built to keep the cold out and the warmth in.  It was a log cabin, up in the mountains, situated just a short hike from the ski lodge.

I opened my eyes, gritted my teeth, forcing the memories to fall away. 

I shut my eyes again, and the memories of the log cabin returned, now accompanied by the memory of warm, thick blankets and tanned skin wrapped up in the bundles.  I now also saw green eyes and mussed, brown hair, pink cheeks and naked, slender legs.  My teeth started to ache with how tightly I was pressing them together, but as the memories became more vivid, became clearer, louder, more comforting, I let them take me, willing them to come even stronger now.

Eren was naked.  He was on top of me.  He was kissing my neck, suggesting we go skiing again before they closed down the lifts for the day.  I remember that I could only hum in agreement, barely even taking in what he was saying, too busy revelling in the feeling of his moist lips and warm chest on mine.  Then he was smiling at me, telling me to pay attention.  I smiled, but I was still lost in his warmth, not very interested in leaving it, even if it was for another chance to beat him in a race down the mountainside.

I wanted those days back.  I wanted those simpler days back when my only worry was how many times I was going to get laid that week, or if Eren would be too busy with school to come over and play.  I wanted my only worries to be if Eren was doing all his homework and honestly trying for his exams, rather than all my worries focused on how he was even going to survive with the small amount of food I had managed to gain.

_Crunch.  Crunch.  Snort.  Hiss._

My eyelids flew open, turning towards the frozen carcass ambling its way towards me, its rotting finger barely brushing my nose as I launched myself away from it.

“Fuck,” I hissed, watching it fight against the growing wind, eager to eat the only source of food it had seen in who knows how long. 

How had it gotten so close?  How had I not realised it was there?  Where had it come from?  The things hair was mattered and gross, its dress barely holding its skin together as it continued to fight its way over to me.  It wasn’t fast enough to pose a threat, but it was close enough to make me want to hurl; the putrid scent of dying flesh being blown into my face, filling my nostrils. 

I covered my mouth and nose, grabbing a fallen branch from beside me and didn’t hesitate to ram it’s tip through the undead’s forehead, black, thick blood oozing from the rupture in its weakened skull, its movements slowing, stiffening, and going still.  I dropped both the branch and the now detached head, the body having dropped earlier, onto the snow, leaving it up to the blizzard to bury its body for me.

I didn’t wait any longer, turning and throwing myself against the wind, already the fears and images of a bloodied and torn body, mangled next to the fire, causing the bile in my stomach to rise in my throat.  I pushed back the feeling, needing my anger and courage to overpower my fear and worry.

The barn door was as I had left it, partly open, the chains still posing a problem for anything too dumb enough not to bend down to go under them.  I entered, immediately calling Eren’s name, my echoing voice doing nothing to quench my growing unease.  There was no answer.  I ventured deeper into the building, looking for any signs of a struggle, any signs of a fight that might tell me what I desperately needed to know.

Everything was how I had left it, from the extra hay that Eren had meant for me to my rifle leaning against the door as if nothing was afoot.  Panic over took me.  My head spun with theories and ideas, worries and concerns.  There was a gust of wind and the room was plunged into darkness, the fire having relented to the forces of nature now coating the barn. 

“Eren!” I screamed, my voice hoarse and my throat thick. 

He couldn’t have died.  They couldn’t have taken him!  He’s too stubborn for that.  He has a hard enough time losing against me when we verse each other in a game of Halo; there’s no way he would lose to those grimy bastards who don’t even have a soul left! 

“Eren!  If you’re here, you better fucking answer me!”

The room was silent.  The wind howling outside and the snow falling heavily onto the wooden fortress.  The snow was coming in full force from the hay loft’s window, dusting the ground where I stood.  I felt like throwing up.  I felt like breaking.  I felt like giving up and letting the next threat that comes take me as it wished.

But I couldn’t.  If there was a chance in hell Eren was alive, I was going to take it and not let go until I knew for sure.  I went into action, grabbing the rifle, slinging it over my shoulder and heading out the door.  The wind was so strong it almost knocked me off my feet, causing me to stumble against the wall of the barn.  I righted myself quickly, taking in my surroundings, trying to decipher which way Eren would’ve gone if he had needed to run, needed to escape.

There weren’t any signs.  Any footsteps that may have been made had been covered by the heavily falling snow.  Any trails that could’ve been were washed away by the wind and its howling sounds.  I screamed his name again, though my voice wouldn’t travel far in this weather.  I chose a spot amongst the trees at random and started walking. 

The wind bit at my back and slammed at my arms, making my trail haphazard  and causing me to cover my mouth, the movements and the worry and the fear that continued to grow inside me making me want to hurl even more.  I spat at the ground, shaking off the feeling and walking on, fighting against all the odds that were against me, refusing to believe Eren was gone, but also refusing to believe that he was alive.

“Eren!” My voice didn’t carry much further as I reached the trees.  My hackles rose, the feeling of impending danger overtaking all my senses.  I could already feel it clouding my judgement, could already feel it constricting my thoughts, my throat, my entire way of thinking.  The snow fell down harder, the canopy of trees doing nothing to hold it off as I made my way further into the woods that surrounded the farm.

I couldn’t see any sort of life, nor any sort of un-life either.  I was thankful for that.  Thankful that there was a chance I might find him before they did.  Though as I went further and further into the cluster of trees, the hope that had built died pretty quickly, the storm making my thin coat seem even thinner, my runny nose even runnier.  I screamed Eren’s name over and over again, no reply being my constant reminder that I was getting nowhere closer to locating my idiot.

“Where the fuck did you go?” I muttered to myself, pulling up my shirt collar, trying to keep out the blistering cold.

_Snap._

I dove behind a tree faster than a mouse darts into its hole, taking refuge behind the trunk and readying my rifle, checking it was loaded, turning my head on an angle so I would be able to see around the tree without the approaching danger seeing me.  There was another snap of a twig, the crunch of snow, the rustle of clothes.  I couldn’t see the source, could only hear the sound as it came closer and closer to where I was hiding.

I took a deep breath, the wind drying my throat, giving me the need to cough.  I clutched my heart, trying my best to keep it in, danger throbbing in my veins as the sound escaped me.  My mouth heaved around the block in my throat, the sound coming out loud and unsettling.  I coughed hard and forceful, forcing it out.  I wouldn’t be able to keep hidden any longer.  The sound would’ve drawn it like a bee to its honey.  I readied my rifle and leapt out from behind the tree, looking down the barrel into stunned green eyes and frozen, brunette bangs.

“What the fuck are you going!?” Came Eren’s angry cry, catching the tip of the barrel and forcing me to point it anywhere other than his forehead.

I gazed at his face, at his angry features and his tussled hair, at his hunched shoulders and his drenched sneakers.  His toes must be freezing, his cheeks must burn; his apparent rage at me didn’t go unnoticed either.

“If you want to get rid of me, Levi, this is a hell of a way to do it!” He cussed, flinging the rest of the rifle away from him, causing me to stumble back slightly as I continued to gape mindlessly. 

Eren was alive.  Eren was alright.  He was angry.  He was pissed.  He was cold.  But he was breathing.  They hadn’t caught him.  They hadn’t torn the flesh from his bones.  They hadn’t bitten through his skin, infecting his blood.  They hadn’t laid a rotten hand on him.  They hadn’t touched him.  Eren was alive.

“You…” I gasped, trying to get my mind around who was in front of me.  I clutched at my rifle, at the tree trunk still behind me, anything solid that would keep me standing.  I tried to gasp out his name, tried to think of something smart, witty, or even remotely mature to say.  But all that came out were two angry words.  “You fucker!”

“Who?  Me?”  Like it could be anybody else.

“Yes, you!” My panic was now transforming into a blind, white, hot rage that I couldn’t control.  I knew I was about to say things I shouldn’t, that this would only end badly for the both of us.  But I didn’t care.  I had had enough. 

For almost six weeks I had been at constant war with myself.  I had fought desire and weakness, hunger and fatigue, all to keep this stupid boy alive.  I had fought against the ever growing fear that the breath I saw come from his lips would be his last.  I had fought against my own anxiety and discomfort of being put in such a high place of responsibility. 

I had fought against holding him, kissing him, loving him like I used to.  I had fought against feelings that had been too strong to begin with.  I had fought against my need to be with this man in front of me, all because of what might happen if I held onto him too tightly.  I had fought against my very reason for everything, all so I could continue to keep the reason itself alive.  I hadn’t given up.  I had never backed down, and now I was goddamn tired.

“I told you to watch the fucking fire!  I told you to stay inside!  I turn around for a second and you disappear right from under me! You-

“You were gone for a whole twenty minutes!  I was the one who left to take a piss and come back to-“

“Shut up!  I’m not done yet!”

The billowing winds and heavily falling snow around us did nothing to dispel our rage toward one another, nor did it the need and instinct we had to always be the one speaking. 

“You don’t leave without telling me, Eren!  I thought that would be common sense!  Oh, I forgot.  You have no common sense!” Here it came.  The tidal wave of melted snow that had been sitting at the pit of my belly for so long, the pure agony I had felt and every desire to scream I had had in six weeks, all crashing out of me in one, smooth disaster.  “You have no idea what it’s been like!  To wake up to your face every day and think ‘I’m so goddamn lucky’ right next to the thought of ‘he’s going to die’!  Because that’s what’s going to happen!  It’ll be you!  Or it’ll be me!  One of us or both of us!  Someone is going to die and what will the other do when that happens!  I’ll be the one fighting for my life!  I’ll be the one constantly struggling to take a single breath!  And for what?!  What’s the fucking point if you walk out without telling me then end up with your neck bitten through because I didn’t know where you were!?”

“I don’t know what it’s been like!?  Are you fucking kidding me!?”  I had expected silence.  I had expected calm.  I had expected the snow to simply stop falling.  But if Eren had no common sense, than I had less than that; the weather won’t stop simply because my own storm was finally dying.  I had had no idea that Eren might have been encased within a storm of his own.  “Do you have any idea how fucking painful it is for all this shit to happen, for me to turn to the only person left from my world and realise he never loved me!?  Do you have any idea how completely unfair it is for you to reveal that fact when the world is going to shit and I have literally no one else to turn to!?  You are so fucked up if you think you’re the only one suffering from all this!”

Just like that, everything seemed to stop.  All I could see was Eren’s green eyes in the haze of grey around me.  All I could feel was his warmth, not a single metre away from me.  All I could sense was his abating desperation as he finally released what he had been holding all these weeks, and how much better it felt to have let all these thoughts fly free.

Thoughts, feelings, assumptions; they are all like butterflies trapped in a cage.  You watch it flutter desperately to escape, wanting to be free.  You want to say something, want to say what’s on your mind, but if you let the butterfly fly free, what will be left?  An empty cage and nothing to show for it.  So you let the butterfly die.  It’s still there, still at the back of your mind, on the bottom of the cage, and will never truly disappear, but now you’ve lost the chance to let it escape.

I had just released all my butterflies in one, fell swoop.  The cage was empty; and I had never felt better in all my life.  Letting your butterflies fly free mean you are left with a completely empty cage, and the sight of something alive and full of possibilities give you hope it’ll bloom into something better and brighter.

“I love you,” came my voice finally.  I hadn’t even realised I was saying it until it had left my lips, but I was happy that those were the words I had subconsciously chosen to speak first.  “I love you.  But I can’t rely on you.  If I do, I feel like I’ll be leaning against something too unstable.  What if you break?  What if you disappear?  I’ll fall, and I won’t be able to pick myself back up.”

His eyes were calm as he listened to me, but it was the kind of calm that made me shiver, the kind of calm that made me realise there was more to come, and whether I was prepared or not, I now had to face it.

“You don’t have to rely on me,” he was saying now.  “I can hold myself up just fine.  I’ve been doing it my whole life.  I didn’t fall in love with you because you became my crutch; I fell in love with you because you taught me to stand on my own in a way that made me happy I was doing it.”

I could relate infinitely to what he was saying, because he had done the same for me.

It felt like years and years ago, when we had come across each other in a place of loud music, sweating bodies and cheap drinks.  It seemed like years ago when I had first laid eyes on a green-eyed, tanned skin, soft-haired beauty that I immediately deemed mine.  It must have been years ago when our visits to that place became regular, and soon I was falling for the boy that had become so much more than a sex partner, willing him fiercely to be my life partner as well.

“You’re not allowed to die,” I felt my hoarse voice croak out, the cold and the storm freezing me where I stood.  I shifted, cracking some of the ice that had fused to my back.  “You’re not allowed to disappear.  We are in this together.”

He was stepping closer to me now, co-ordinating his way through the gale-force winds so he could stand in front of me, our toes touching, his arms bringing me close to him so I could bury my face into his shoulder, breathing in his scent, still so strong despite the blizzard that continued to howl around us.

His heartbeat sounded wonderful against my ear, his arms felt fantastic around my hardened body, and I could already feel myself thawing under his touch, my body falling back into a place it hadn’t been for weeks.  It was comfortable and familiar, it was warm and beautiful, and I’ll be damned if I never return here again.

Returning to the barn was a feat in of itself thanks to the wind and the snow and the cold.  All of it kept knocking us off course, meaning we had to fight to straighten our way again, making the trip three times as longer as it should have been.  When we finally crawled under the chain again, the barn floor had already been covered in the white substance, making it harder to shut the door on the wind and barricade the hayloft window. 

Finally, when we weren’t in danger of drowning in ice, we set up a fire inside one of the empty horse’s stalls.  The extra walls were stronger and thicker, keeping the cold out and the wind off, allowing us to light the fire again and huddle together to share its warmth, defrosting our fingers and ears as we did.

And then suddenly it was about sharing body heat as well.  It was too cold to get completely naked, and the both of us were too frozen to do anything strenuous anyway, but that didn’t mean Eren’s lips didn’t set me on fire as he lapped at my mouth and trailed his lips up and down my neck.  Just because there was a storm raging on outside, didn’t mean I wasn’t happy to push Eren back into a clump of straw, sitting atop his lap and grinding down, heating both our abdomens and our crotches as we rutted against each other.

The friction was intense and the heat was scorching.  Eren’s breath was moist on my lips and his mouth was always ready for me as I invaded it with my tongue again and again, nipping at his lips, rolling my hips, panting his name as I desperately tried to feel him through the thick fabric of his jeans.  I could barely feel him, but it was enough to send me over the edge, the ridge of his cock pushing up against my ass, causing me to clench and whine needily for him as he held my hips firm to him. 

It was messy and sticky and I was deeming the activity not worth it as I grabbed a cloth and tried to clean myself as best I could without removing my pants.  Eren could only laugh at me as I did, doing the same though not to the extent that I was.  Then warm hands were clasping mine, slipping them into opposing pockets, so I could fondle thin hips and whine at how they would feel pressed up against mine with nothing between them.

Eren managed to keep the fire going all night, though the wind made it impossible to get any sleep.  But I was more than happy to stay awake, pressed up against the man that I loved so much, catching up on lost time and missed kisses.  My lips and jaw were aching by morning, but I couldn’t find it in my cold bones to give a shit at all as Eren continued to allow me access to his warm cavern, where I could taste and suck at him all I wanted.

The storm didn’t die down at all during the night or even the following morning.  It turned the sky white and the horizon grey, misting over everything more than a few metres away from our line of vision.  The frozen landscape before us made it impossible to see anyone else that might have passed us by, made it impossible to know if anyone had crossed our horizon, as we huddled together under the planks of rotting wood we had appraised as our castle and our sanctuary from the ending world outside. 


End file.
